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Post by weronika on Jun 11, 2014 13:30:55 GMT
Weronika P commenting on Taylor S: Introduction: Really well worded, just maybe try to make some of your paragraphs a little longer. Good job
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Post by taylors on Jun 11, 2014 13:32:09 GMT
Taylor S commenting on Austin M:
You had a good introduction. Maybe in the first sentence leave out what your going to talk about and just do Have you ever wondered how such a simple looking object could have underwent such a huge evolution? Then people would wonder what your going to talk about instead of finding out in the first sentence.
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Post by wagner22 on Jun 12, 2014 1:34:41 GMT
Night Terrors Night Terrors. Will kids who experience them grow to have a mental illness when they get older? About ninety percent of children have or had a parasomnia from the age of two to six years old. Parasomnias are categorized as a sleep disorder that involves abnormal movements, behaviors, emotions, perceptions and dreams. Night terrors, nightmares, sleepwalking, sleep talking, teeth grinding, bed wetting, confusional arousal, excessive or unusual movements, and/or sleep paralysis are all examples of parasomnias. Some parasomnias are very common like nightmares, while there are some that are very rare like exploding head syndrome or restless leg syndrome. To understand sleep disorders you need to understand sleep. To the outside observer sleep seems to be an altered level of consciousness where responses to our surroundings and voluntary movements are noticeably decreased. That is not sleep at all though. Sleep is actually a generalized state that is called the “growth state”. In this state multiple beneficial processes take place. Researchers believe most of those processes take place in our brains. People don’t realize how extremely important sleep really is. There are a lot of things that can keep us from getting sleep. Infants generally require about 16 hours a day, while teenagers need about 9 hours on average. For most adults, 7 to 8 hours a night appears to be the best amount of sleep, although some people may need as few as 5 hours or as many as 10 hours of sleep each day. Women in the first 3 months of pregnancy often need several more hours of sleep than usual. The amount of sleep a person needs also increases if he or she has been deprived of sleep in previous days. Getting too little sleep creates a "sleep debt.” Eventually, your body will demand that the "debt” be “repaid”. While we may get used to a sleep-depriving schedule, our judgment, reaction time, and other functions are still messed up. Sleep appears necessary for our nervous systems to work properly. Too little sleep leaves us drowsy and unable to concentrate the next day. It also leads to bad memory and physical performance and reduced ability. If sleep deprivation continues, hallucinations and mood swings may develop Deep sleep occurs with the release of growth hormone in children and young adults. Many of the body's cells also show increased production and reduced breakdown of proteins during deep sleep. Since proteins are the building blocks needed for cell growth and for repair of damage from factors like stress and ultraviolet rays, deep sleep may truly be "beauty sleep." Activity in parts of the brain that control emotions, decision-making processes, and social interactions is drastically reduced during deep sleep, suggesting that this type of sleep may help people maintain optimal emotional and social functioning while they are awake. How do you know the difference between a night terror and a nightmare? Nightmares occur during the dream state of sleep. Then normally, sometime around ninety minutes after entering that state, you enter the REM stage. REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement. Unlike night terrors, the nightmare will make the sleeper jolt awake due to fright. A Night Terror is worse. They can last anywhere from five to twenty five minutes. During a night terror you never wake up until it is over. Although, the person could experience the terror with their eyes open they are still out cold. Sitting up in bed, screaming, thrashing, sweating, breathing heavily, having a racing pulse, hard to wake up, getting up and running around, engaging in violence, staring wide-eyed. It could all happen during a night terror. Children won’t even know they are experiencing a night terror but have a sense of fear when they finally awaken. There are rare cases that adults or teens remember bits and pieces of their episode. Of course, experiencing night terrors must be horrifying if you remember it, but could you imagine what it must be like to watch your child go through it? To have to watch your child scream and thrash and cry knowing that you can’t help or do anything. It is a horrible experience. “The most common thought amongst researchers is that a chemical trigger in the brain causes your brain to ‘misfire’ and cause a night terror.” Says researchers. This ‘misfire’ can be cause by many things, such as: stress and various medical aliments. Night Terrors are cause by: sleep deprivation, fatigue, stress, anxiety, fear, sleeping in unfamiliar surroundings, or lights/noise. They could also be connected to a series of medical or mental health problems or other sleep disorders. Research has not proven that night terrors in children mean all children will develop emotional or mental problems. It only uncovered an association.
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Post by austinmora10 on Jun 12, 2014 13:27:28 GMT
austin m. commenting on john n.
basics 4: there is a good amount of evidence and info about how the football helmet evolved. it could use some more details though.
basics 8: places where the paper doesn't make sense is the formatting. the format is in a complicated order.
introduction: maybe instead of saying exactly what your paper is going to be about in the first five words you could do a question. like how could something so little have such a big evolution?
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Post by destinymarie on Jun 12, 2014 13:28:08 GMT
Destiny commenting on Austin's paper. Answering: 6. Yes, because even though I'm not a big fan of hockey I kind of wanted to know what kind of improvements and what different materials went into making the hockey stick. But, I feel like you have all the different phases of it all in one, and I think it would be a little more clear if you like spread it out and explained a little more about each phase. 4. Yes, he explains how it has evolved and where it is today, but I still think he should explain each phase more. I like how he broke the stick down into sections and explained each section. That was very good. Introduction: His hook is effective because it asks a question. Personally it interests me because I think the evolution of all sports is so interesting. So, it asks you and it makes you want to try to answer it and like guess what it was like before how it is now, then you get to read the paper and figure out what really happened. Thesis: His thesis makes sense there's really nothing I would change. It says the ice hockey stick has changed and improved the game completely. Then he explains how the stick has changed. Body: The body paragraph's are good. But I think he should have explained the phases more in the first body paragraph, where he explains how it was glass, then aluminum, etc. His first sentences all explained what the paragraph was going to be about. Good job Austin
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Post by weronika on Jun 12, 2014 13:28:30 GMT
Weronika P. commenting on Bryttany W.:
6. Your essay is very interesting and I learned a lot from it, it held my attention through most of it, maybe just change the last paragraph up a little and remember to restate your thesis. 7. You should include more information on how "kids who experience night terrors can grow to have a mental illness when they get older" to get your point across better. Introduction: You should start your introduction with the question, "Will kids who experience them grow to have a mental illness when they get older?" instead of Night Terrors.
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Post by Wagner on Jun 12, 2014 13:29:44 GMT
Bryttany W. commenting on Weronika P.'s paper: The Basics: 4 I think you have a clear paper but it could use more description. Maybe describe how Dr. Georges Gilles de la Tourette founded tourettes. I know you said that he found it in an eight year old but how? Who was this eight year old to him? How did he know this child? Did he have tourettes? Maybe explain about the child as well. I think you could also try and explain how much harder it is for people who experience tourettes have a more difficult time achieving things. 6 The essay is definitely interesting and holds my attention with a little difficulty. More description like i said above^ would help. I think the fact that tourettes was named after a man who found a child with it was interesting. I also think the whole topic was eye catching because a lot of people don't really know what that is and how it affects people. HOOK: The hook is good, but i think that your second sentence (how you described what tourettes is/means) would have been better for your hook. Putting your first sentence second instead would be a better beginning. BODY: Again back to my answer to number six. MORE DETAIL! Maybe make it a little longer as well. I think adding more detail will help with the size. SENTENCES: Your sentences are clear. They are a good size and I find nothing wrong with your sentences that are there. Conclusion: Your conclusion isn't really there. I feel like you could have restated your thesis and what your paper is about.
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Post by kyralamlamay on Jun 12, 2014 13:30:16 GMT
Kyra Lamlamay commenting on Austin Mora's paper:
6.) you're essay is well written but does not hold my attention through out your paper. your hook can use some work, it should grab my eye and make me want to read more. i enjoyed learning about the evolution of the ice hockey stick, but it doesn't keep my attention. try using different words and make it sound more exciting. "The technological advancements of the ice hockey stick have proved to change the game of hockey completely." your thesis is well thought out, and is proven through your paper.
4.) you have valid points and details through out your essay. details such as the ones you put in your paper are interesting. more details could be included making your paper have more information about hockey, hockey sticks [ect]. this would make it more 'fun' to read and valuable in information.
body: you can include more details and more information about hockey and hockey sticks; include different types.
Sentences: your sentences are clear.
Conclusion: your conclusion is a summary of your paper, its well thought out. remember to improve on your word choices and your hook. over all your paper is well written and impressive. good job!
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Post by kaylalabokor on Jun 12, 2014 13:31:57 GMT
Kayla B. commenting on Taylor: your hook is very good. I like how you opened up youe essay with song lyrics.
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Post by taylors on Jun 12, 2014 14:36:58 GMT
Taylor S commenting on Weronika P: The Basics #4. You have very good detail in your paper but one thing I couldn't understand was what the argument was about?? #5. The essay is very unique and interesting because I had no idea what Tourette's was and when I saw the word im like wait what does that mean which interested me. But again I don't understand the argument.
Introduction: I think your hook could have been a little bit better but your introduction in a whole was good.
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