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Post by weronika on Jun 11, 2014 23:47:44 GMT
Weronika P. commenting on Kayla B:
Very well written, didn't find anything wrong with it.
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Post by Emily Millier on Jun 12, 2014 13:18:58 GMT
Emily Millier Ms. Kurzyna English 1A 5 June, 2014 The Role of Deindividuation and Anonymity Specific studies have shown that anonymity is a “key factor” that creates the role that deindividuation plays. Researchers from the social psychology area, are now able to prove a number of reasons why the effects of deindividuation happens and what causes them. In the early 1950’s the term “deindividuation” came into play to describe the behavior of an individual in a group or crowd of people. This theory also states that while in a crowd or group this individual will suffer from “loss of identity.” In the late 1960’s is when anonymity is found to come into play with deindividuation. It was said that anonymity was one of the main reasons it was hard for people to not follow what everybody in society does. “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” (Wilde) The theory behind this quote is that when a single person is anonymous in a group or crowd, he/she acts against their own morals. It has been proven in the past fifteen years, that the larger the group or crowd is, it is more likely to experience a higher type of anonymity in a individual’s behavior. Also, the more anti-social the person may get. Over the years anonymity seems to be getting bigger and bigger in deindividuation, especially over the internet. Research from a study based on a survey has shown that participants have engaged in sharing sexual topics during the time their identities are hidden over the web. Most of their ages from 16 to 23 years old. All of this leading to the theory that anonymity in deindividuation leads to “Socially unacceptable behaviors.” Another theory developed explains the effects that anonymity has on a group, is known as “The Social Identity Model of Deindividuation Effects,” or (SIDE)
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Post by aberry52 on Jun 12, 2014 13:27:15 GMT
Andrew B. commenting on Anthony's paper: The basics: 4 Yes, all of the details are easy to understand and enticing.
The Basics: 6 Yes, the paragraphs are detailed and extensive.
Introduction:
Hook: The hook asks good questions and really grabs the reader, while keeping hi or her interested.
Thesis: It is very easy to find and understand the thesis of the paper.
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Post by kaylalabokor on Jun 12, 2014 13:28:10 GMT
Kayla B commenting on Rebecca's Paper: The basics: #'s 4 and 6: 4.) I think you included plenty of detail to make an effective ergument. You described your topic very well with lots of evidence to describe it. I would just fix the ending a little bit to make it more clear and restate your topic in the conclusion. 6.) Your essay has my attention throughout most of your paper with all the good quotes you put in. I like how you put quotes at the end in almost every pharagraph. Introduction: Thesis: Your thesis is well stated. Hook: Good quote choice. Body: Helps defend and develope the thesis statement very well with good supporting evidence.
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Post by audreyjanosko on Jun 12, 2014 13:29:17 GMT
Audrey J. commenting on Rebecca's paper:
The Basics 4: Yes she has included enough evidence and detail in her paper, it is very eye opening and makes me think that art does have a huge effect on early childhood development.
5:The essay is unique and interesting because I would have never thought that childhood development would be affected by the arts and what arts are exposed to the child. Her argument is because all of the paper flows together and all refers back to the thesis statement so I know what is being argued.
Introduction: Her hook was very intriguing and made me want to read more to know what she was talking about. Also, her introduction was very clear after that and I knew what she wanted to argue/explain in the next paragraphs to come. So, in conclusion, her introduction paragraph was clear and intriguing.
Paragraphs: Each paragraph I read supported the thesis and helped her argument.
Conclusion: She restated her thesis and summed up her main ideas and throughout the whole argument i was intrigued and learned a lot about how childhood development can be affected by the arts.
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Post by amarsico21 on Jun 12, 2014 13:30:52 GMT
amarsico21 commenting on aberry52:
#5 Yes this essay is interesting and keeps me hooked because everyone has a role model and would want to read about this to see if my role model is a good one. The argument is a little unclear , so maybe be a little more distinct on your argument. #6 yes, one way it does it how each paragraph says in the first sentence what it will be about and what i will learn about role models. the only thing is don't forget citations. Hook quality: good, try to make a more specific hook question. Thesis; good statement maybe just make it stand out a little more, express your opinion or argument. conclusion: remember to restate thesis
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Post by kfisherkb12345 on Jun 12, 2014 15:29:03 GMT
Ms. Fisher commenting on Kayla Bokor's paper:
A tremendous amount of work went into your essay! Keep up the good work, Ms. Bokor!
Introduction: The ideas in the intro are strong and I LOVED that you explained the quote in your own words AND connected it to the thesis, but what do you think about using Washington's quote first? It's such a strong quote and, in my opinion, would be a stronger hook than the questions. Keep EVERYTHING in the intro and, if you choose to place the quote first, just rearrange the sentences in intro to accommodate this change.
Word choice: Instead of "you" use the word "one" in its place -- Avoid using personal pronouns in a formal paper
Lastly, Ms. Kurzyna's assignment required you to discuss an example of peer pressure from literature, history or current events. Can you add a specific example of peer pressure to your paper?
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Post by kfisherkb12345 on Jun 12, 2014 17:08:23 GMT
Ms. Fisher on A. Janosko's paper:
You have done a thorough job of researching your topic!
Introduction:
I like how you began with a definition. The first two - three sentences could be written more concisely:
Rape, a sexual assault on any unwilling victim, is the definition most people know, but the definition fails to include the psychological and physical effects on the victim and the ways the victim can get help. Psychological effects include depression or suicidal thoughts and physical effects include STD’s or other diseases or problems with the victim’s health.
I'm not sure what your thesis is? The thesis is the last sentence of introduction. What do you want to prove about rape? Please add a clear thesis to your introduction.
Paragraph Two: Add a topic sentence; otherwise, I'm not really sure which idea your statistics are supporting. Try not to string quotes together, which means you should avoid placing one quote after the other. Try to use your own words after the quotes to explain the meaning of the quote and how these statistics/ quotes help to prove your thesis.
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Post by kfisherkb12345 on Jun 12, 2014 17:46:25 GMT
Ms. Fisher commenting on Ryan K.'s paper: I love your avatar! Your topic is a really good one too. Introduction: You have the right ideas and form. Try to avoid using "I" and "you" in the essay. For example: Has a person ever inspired you to be like them and have a successful life? It is not often when a person can have such an impact on our lives. Mentors can come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes when we least expect them.Parents, coaches, and professional athletes can have a positive impact on young people. (this is your thesis) Body of the paper: Organized well! Conclusion: Parents, coaches and professional are great examples of how to be a good, successful person. Our society would be much different if we did not have people to look up to. HOW would our society be different if there were NO role models? Your ending needs to drive the point home. Keep up the good work!
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Post by kfisherkb12345 on Jun 12, 2014 19:19:11 GMT
Ms. Fisher commenting on Emily M.''s paper:
Your introduction should be general, simple, and not contain very much specific information.
Introduction:
Grab your reader's attention with a question, quote or amazing fact or statistic Preview the main ideas of your paper (What will you be discussing?) State your thesis statement (What do you want to prove about your topic?)
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