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Post by Admin on Jun 11, 2014 13:22:00 GMT
Kim F. commenting on Kyra:
Introduction:
Hook is interesting. You used an interesting and amazing fact and explained it it in relation to your thesis. The thesis is clear and placed correctly.
Body: 94% of gang members are male and only 2% of gangs are female.
When you use information like the fact above, you need to place a citation after it.
Add citations to the entire paper.
Conclusion:
"Violent crimes like the ones preformed cost $100` billion a year for damage and more. Humans have always banded together for mutual protection and support. The majority of gang members are a product of a family’s lack of companionship and love; few youths realize the hazards associated with gang involvement."
You answered the So What? question... Why should we care about gang violence?
Overall, nice job.
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Post by audreyjanosko on Jun 11, 2014 13:24:07 GMT
Audrey J. commenting on Andrew B. Focusing on word choice: Be careful with your word choice this is a research paper and research papers tend to not use I or me.
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Post by kyralamlamay on Jun 11, 2014 13:26:49 GMT
Kyra Lamlamay commenting on aberry52:
nice paper, good thesis! keep up the good work.
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Post by kaylalabokor on Jun 11, 2014 13:29:07 GMT
Kayla B. commenting on Rebecca B.
Transitions: Your paper is really good! I would just add some transition words in the beginning of each paragraph.
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Post by wagner22 on Jun 11, 2014 13:29:45 GMT
Bryttany W. commenting on Aberry52: You use I and me a lot. Research papers don't have personal information. You also said that "The effects of
a bad role model can change a person in many ways." I think you should try describing what the effects are and do the same for the good. Be extra Descriptive!
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Post by aberry52 on Jun 11, 2014 13:31:11 GMT
aberry52 commenting on amarsico21
Good hook and check spelling.
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Post by kyralamlamay on Jun 11, 2014 13:31:12 GMT
Kyra Lamlamay commenting on Ryan Kiritsis: nice paper, I like your avatar too you look like you are having fun out there! Your paper can use some work, your opening paragraph have an OK hook. you could do better because I've read your writing before. wow... i sound mean. oops. keep up the good work
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Post by rebeccab on Jun 11, 2014 13:31:36 GMT
Rebecca B commenting on Andrew B
I really liked the line in your paper where you said " This is likely a survival function designed to help us to mimic successful members of our society and thereby help us to be successful too."it pulled the entire paragraph together with a strong summary.
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Post by austinmora10 on Jun 11, 2014 13:32:10 GMT
:-*austin M on Berry's very interesting essay. topic is very interesting
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Post by austinmora10 on Jun 11, 2014 14:34:20 GMT
Austin m. Commenting on kyra
Very interesting topic. Good opening and thesis. Good work.
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